When is a Gift Truly a Gift?

Think about the last time someone gave you a gift. What was the reason? Maybe it was your birthday or your anniversary. What were the reasons you gave gifts the last few times; maybe to your spouse, your child, your mother or a friend?

Ask yourself why this gift giving took place. Were you part of a gift exchange at a family gathering or at work? Did you feel obligated to give something to someone or did you give it because you wanted to? Was the gift expected or was it a surprise?

When thinking about this topic the other day I remembered something that happened years ago when I was a Youth Leader at the church we were attending. A teen gave me a candy bar and said it was for me. When I asked why, they responded, “No reason, it is just a gift”. I said thank you and immediately handed the candy bar to a different teen that I knew like that type of candy.

Then a paradigm shift happened. What I saw as a pleasant interaction with this young person suddenly became a confrontation. The first teen, the giver of the gift, got upset and said, “You can’t give that candy bar to him! I gave it to you”. My response was, “You gave it to me and so it became mine. Why does it upset you if I give my candy bar to someone else?” The paradigm shift was in the definition of gift. I thought the gift was given freely, the teen meant the gift only for me; not to do with it as I pleased. It had strings attached.

So I ask again…when is a gift truly a gift? Was that candy bar a gift if it had strings attached or was the giver of the candy bar actually trying to buy my attention or earn a deeper relationship with me? How many times have you heard someone say that they have to keep something they don’t even like because it was a gift? This summer I heard someone say they put something in a garage sale because they knew the person that gave it to them as a gift was out of town and would not be at the garage sale and they have been trying to get rid of that “ugly thing” for years.

Webster’s dictionary states, “A gift is a thing given willingly to someone without payment”. Webster also says payment is “Something that is given to someone in exchange for something else”. Are you beginning to see my point? If there is anything expected in return, it is not a gift. If we expect something in return we did not give a gift; we started an exchange.

My oldest son is one of the truest givers I know. He doesn’t like to give out of duty. However he is very good at observing the people around him and, when the time is appropriate, he gives a gift that truly fills a need in someone’s life and he expects nothing in return. He has often accomplished this in my life. I have received things from him that I now can’t imagine living without; a gift with no expected payment in return. Those are the gifts that say “I love you” more than anything else I know. 

The key word that comes to me out of this thought is unconditional; a true gift is given unconditionally with no strings attached. We witness this when we see a parent caring for a new born; unconditional care with no possibility of return.

I believe that unconditional giving is the only time a gift is truly a gift. The joy we get in the process of giving is better than anything the receiver can give back. A gift can be as simple as taking time to listen to someone or taking them to watch a beautiful sunset. It doesn’t need to be big or expensive; just unconditional.