I have struggled for years with the random ways we use the word “love” in our culture. It is used so broadly the meaning of it has become meaningless. We say we love everything from ice cream, to sunsets, to our mate and to our God. I just struggle with such a variety of meanings for one word. Especially a word that, at its highest meaning, is so important to our lives. Do we even understand what we really mean when we use it? Does the hearer of my statement really know what level of love I am trying to convey?
As so often happens to me, I woke up thinking; this time about what does “love” mean in relationships. I have learned that to best communicate with others we need to come to an understanding of the definition of the key words we are trying to convey. I know from studying the Bible that the Greeks had three different words to describe love. So I went to Wikipedia to get those definitions.
Greek words for love from Wikipedia
Philia (φιλία philía) means affectionate regard, friendship, usually between equals. It is a dispassionate, virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle. In his best-known work on ethics, Nicomachean Ethics, philia is expressed variously as loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality, and familiarity. Furthermore, in the same text philos denotes a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity.
Philia is the love of friends, sunsets, ice cream, etc.
Agápe (ἀγάπη agápē) means love: esp. brotherly love, charity; the love of God for man and of man for God. Agapeis used in ancient texts to denote feelings for one’s children and the feelings for a spouse. Agape is used by Christians to express the unconditional love of God for his children. This type of love was further explained by Thomas Aquinas as “to will the good of another”.
Agape is love felt for your children; those very close to you.
Éros (ἔρως érōs) means love, mostly of passion. The Modern Greek word “erotas” means “intimate love.” Plato refined his own definition: Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself.
Eros is the highest meaning, intimate love; the love for God and, in God’s plan, the love for your mate.
Looking at these definitions brought me to an understanding I have never had before. I had always seen these definitions as separate but equal expressions of our word love. However now I recognized they are a progression of the depth of love on a “relationship ladder” that all our relationships are on at some level.
When we first meet someone they are not even on our “relationship ladder”. The relationship is on the ground floor. When this acquaintance becomes a friend we reach a new rung on the ladder; Philia or friendship.
Most of our friends stay at that level. However, some relationships go deeper. That is when we move to the next step on the “relationship ladder” of love; Agápe or unconditional love.
Unconditional love is only possible with God’s help. We are born naturally self-centered; we cannot achieve this level alone. To me the best human picture of unconditional love is a mother and her baby. No matter what the need of the baby is the mother gives freely. The picture of this relationship helps me begin to understand God’s love for us. He is our Father. He cares for us. He loves us unconditionally.
Then I thought of God’s definition of Agápe (1 Corinthians 13:4-8):
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
I often read through that passage too quickly. It is easy to read, but not meditate on, scripture that is so commonly quoted. Take a moment and think about each phrase. As humans we cannot consistently live at that level, but “with God all things are possible”.
We only reach the top rung of the “ladder”, Eros, with a select few; usually only with our God and our mate. It is the depth of intimacy. I think most people equate “eros” with physical intimacy and, although that is certainly a part of intimacy in marriage, real intimacy is much deeper than that.
This level of intimacy is saved by our Creator for the top of the “relationship ladder”. Praying to the Father about this level of intimacy Jesus said in John 17:22-23 says, “I have given them the glory that You gave Me, that they maybe one as We are one; I in them and You in Me”. Also, Genesis 2:24 says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Two people becoming “one flesh” and individually “one” with their Creator. That thought to me is beautiful and breathe taking. It is the “cord of three strands that is not easily broken” Solomon talked about in Ecclesiastes.
Therefore I am finally finding definition to the levels of our word love. I recognize there are other steps that precede the three above. So I see the “relationship ladder” as-
Level 0 –we are totally unaware of someone’s existence; no relationship
Level 1 – we meet someone and become aware of that person; surface relationship
Level 2 – we feel a connection to someone; we like them and become friendly
Level 3 – our liking becomes deeper and reaches “philia”; brotherly love
Level 4 – our relationship deepens even more into “agape”; unconditional love
Level 5 – we reach the ultimate relationship; the oneness of “eros”; intimate love
The problem I see is many people have moved up the ladder out of progression. We cannot achieve the type of relationships God intended us to have if we don’t take one rung at a time. Also, as we consider getting deeper in a relationship and therefore higher on the “ladder”, our selfish nature will not allow us to truly make these progressions without His guidance.
I believe this is why poor relationships and divorce are at such a high rate in our society. People go from level one to level two to level three then skip to a false attempt at level five; intimacy without unconditional love and oneness. Without going through three to four and then to five, the relationship is never going to be what God intended. It will end up in a life of self-centered unhappiness, even divorce court, and lack the fulfillment the relationship was intended to produce. God made the progression so we could grow into the relationships He intended us to have; to live the abundant life.
As I ponder these thoughts, I see unnecessary pain all around me. People I care for suffering for lack of understanding. Father in heaven, I pray You give us “eyes to see” what love truly is. Help us build our relationships the way You intended.
What do we do when we are in a relationship, but realize we have skipped levels in the progression? The good news is we can back up and, with God’s help, go through the progressions one level at a time. That will mean creating “space” in the relationship to allow God to heal and then bring back together His way.
How do I know this is true? The first 35 years of my life I lived very self-centered. If anyone talked to me about God’s ways I would turn them off and get away as fast as I could. By the grace of God, He began to draw me to Himself and His truth at that time. I had left many people wounded in the wake of my selfishness.
As only God can do, He opened my eyes and helped me “see” the pain I had caused. I had made the leap from level three to a false understanding of level five. He had to back me up to level three and help me begin to understand I was not the center of the world. Once He had my attention, He began to show me the joy in experiencing unconditional love (level four); His unconditional love. After receiving it from Him, it was possible for me to “give” it to others around me.
The greatest gift I have ever received was sensing level five love from my Father above; the closeness, the intimacy of His always being with me. As He opened my eyes to allow me to have “an appreciation of the beauty within” (as Plato said), I have discovered what intimacy with my wife, Lin, really is. Her “ways” that annoyed the selfish me are now endearing to me. As if God has said to me, “Look at the wonderful way I made her different than you”, I find joy in understanding her deeply and watching her, His creation, and our differences become “one flesh”; a unit He can use for His glory.
Thank you Father for opening my eyes. Please help me see clearer and clearer as You take me down the path You have designed for me.
Christian Life Coach 