I have struggled for years with the random ways we use the word “love” in our culture. It is used so broadly and the meaning of it has become meaningless. We say we love everything, from ice cream, to sunsets, to our mate, and to our Lord. I just struggle with such a variety of meanings for one word. Especially a word that, at its highest meaning, is so important to our lives. Do we even understand what we really mean when we use it? Does the hearer of my statement really know what level of love I am trying to convey?
As so often happens to me, I wake up with a thought in my mind. This time it was “what does love mean in relationships”. I have learned that to best communicate with others we need to come to an understanding of the definition of the key words and phrases we are trying to convey. I know from studying the Bible that the Greeks had three different words to describe love. So, I went to Wikipedia to get those definitions.
Greek words for love from Wikipedia
Philia means brotherly love, affectionate regard, friendship, usually between equals. It is a dispassionate, virtuous love, a concept developed by Aristotle. In his best-known work on ethics, Nicomachean Ethics, philia is expressed variously as loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality, and familiarity. Furthermore, in the same text philos denotes a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity.
Philia is the love of friends, sunsets, ice cream, etc.
Agápe means unconditional love, the love of God for man and of man for God. Agapeis used in ancient texts to denote feelings for one’s children and the feelings for a spouse. Christians use agape to express the unconditional love of God for his children. This type of love was further explained by Thomas Aquinas as “to will the good of another.”
Agape is unconditional love felt for your spouse and children; those very close to you.
Éros means intimate love. The Modern Greek word “erotas” means “intimate love.” Plato refined his own definition: Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself.
Eros has the highest meaning, intimate love, the love for God and, in God’s plan, the love for your mate.
Looking at these definitions brought me to an understanding I have never had before. I had always seen these definitions as separate but equal expressions of our word love. However, now I recognized they are a progression of the depth of love on a “relationship path” and that all our relationships are on that path at some level. Therefore, I finally understand the definitions to the levels of our word love. I recognize there are other steps on the path that precede the three above. So, I see the “relationship path” as-
Level 0 –we are unaware of someone’s existence, no relationship
Level 1 – we meet someone and become aware of that person’s existence
Level 2 – we feel a connection to someone; we like them and become friendly
Level 3 – our liking becomes deeper and reaches “philia”, brotherly love
Level 4 – our relationship deepens further into “agape”, unconditional love
Level 5 – the ultimate relationship; the oneness of “eros”, intimate love
Before we first meet someone, they are not even on our “relationship path.” When we meet them, the relationship is on the ground floor. We now know they exist but know very little about them. As we get to know them, we begin to get a sense of their values. How they dress, how they talk, the things they are interested in are all beginning information to help us decide if this were a person I would enjoy as a friend or are they on a different path than I want to be on. Scripture says, “Bad company corrupts good character”. It is easier to stop relational progression at this stage than any of the follow. We should ask the Holy Spirit to help us discern.
When we realize that this new acquaintance is someone we like as a friend and we are becoming closer, we reach a new step on the path, friendship. Friends are people we share life with. Most of our friends stay at that level. We share common interests. We enjoy each other’s company. However, the relationship is superficial.
A few of our friendships grow even deeper into “brotherly love”. Remember the definition of Philia is expressed variously as loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality, and familiarity. We celebrate together and mourn together. This relationship is both giving and receiving. These people have a major influence on our path choices. Another scripture says, “Don’t be unequally yoked”. This is often a problem if we try to have this type of relationship with people interested in a different path. Again, we need the Holy Spirit to help us discern.
A few relationships go even deeper. That is when we move to the next step on the “relationship path” of love; Agápe or unconditional love. Unconditional love is only possible when we follow God’s narrow path. We are born naturally self-centered; we cannot achieve level 4 alone. To me the best human picture of unconditional love is a loving mother and her baby. No matter what the need of the baby is the mother gives freely with no expectation of anything in return. The picture of this relationship helps me begin to understand God’s love for us. He is our Father. He cares for us. He loves us unconditionally.
Then I thought of God’s definition of Agápe or other-focused, unconditional love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
That is a clear definition of unconditional, other-focused love. I have often read that passage too quickly. It is easy to read, but not meditate on, scripture that is so commonly quoted. Let’s take a moment and think about each phrase.
Love is patient (always patient)
Love is kind (always kind)
Love does not envy (never envies)
Love does not boast or be proud (it is humble)
Love is not rude or self-seeking (cares about others first)
Love is not easily angered of keep records of wrongs (it is forgiving)
Love rejoices in the truth, always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves,
LOVE NEVER FAILS
That is unconditional love. As humans we cannot consistently live on that path, but “with God all things are possible.” He gives us the Holy Spirit to guide us on our path. If we do not have unconditional love for the person we are considering marrying, we should consider the consequences. Without unconditional love for the potential mate there will be problems in the marriage. Are we ready to unconditionally love this person? Again, we need the Spirit’s guidance.
The problem I see is many people have moved down the path out of progression by taking a short cut to the wrong path. We cannot achieve the type of relationships God intended us to have if we do not take one step on the path at a time. Also, as we consider getting deeper in a relationship and therefore farther down the path, our selfish nature will not allow us to truly choose the next relational path without His guidance.
We only reach the highest meaning of love, Eros, with a select few; usually only with our Lord and our mate. I use the word Lord because that deepens the relationship and designates my direct submission to Him. It is the depth of intimacy. Most people equate “eros” with physical intimacy and, although that is certainly a part of intimacy in marriage, real intimacy is much deeper than that.
This level of intimacy is saved by our Creator for the top of the “relationship path.” Praying to the Father about this level of intimacy with His disciples, Jesus said in John 17:22-23 says, “I have given them the glory that You gave Me, that they maybe one as We are one; I in them and You in Me”. Also, Genesis 2:24 says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Two people becoming “one flesh” and individually “one” with their Creator. That thought to me is beautiful and breathtaking. It is the “cord of three strands that is not easily broken” Solomon talked about in Ecclesiastes.
I believe not following the levels one by one is why poor relationships and divorce are at such a high rate in our society. People go from level two to level three and then skip to a false attempt at level five, intimacy without unconditional love and oneness. Without going through level four and then to level five, the relationship is never going to be what God intended. It will end up in a life of self-centered unhappiness, even divorce court, and lacking the fulfillment the relationship was intended to produce. God made the path decisions for us to be decided with His guidance and timing so we could grow into the relationships He intended us to have; to live the abundant life.
In 1 Timothy 5:1-2, Paul gives us a good definition of the beginning of the relationship path. He said, “Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity”. This is where the beginning path choices happen in relationships.
Paul asks Timothy, and men today, to consider the narrow or wide paths and choose wisely. In these thoughts, Paul is asking us to consider if the older man is someone that irritates you and you mock him and his ways or do you respect him? Is the younger man your rival that you need to compete with because he is different than you or do you see him as a brother and fellow sojourner trying to find his way like you? Do you see older women as useless and irritating or respect their years of knowledge they have gathered on their path? Do you see younger women as “eye candy” for your pleasure or as the Father’s daughter whom He loves, and you show respect toward her? The opposite relations also hold for women.
As I ponder these thoughts, I see in my past unnecessary pain I caused all around me, caused by my taking the wide path the world presents. People I cared for suffering for my lack of understanding God’s narrow path. Father in heaven, I pray You give us eyes to see what love truly is. Help us to stay on your path and build our relationships the way You intended.
What do we do when we are in a relationship, but realize we have skipped levels in the progression? The good news is we can back up and, with our Lord’s help, go through the progressions one level at a time. That will mean creating “space” in the relationship to allow the Lord to heal and then bring back together His way.
How do I know this is true? The first 35 years of my life I lived very self-centered choosing the wrong paths often. If anyone talked to me about God’s ways, I would turn them off and get away as fast as I could. By the grace of God, He began to draw me to Himself and His truth in my mid-thirties.
As only our Lord can do, He opened my eyes and helped me “see” the pain I had caused. I had made the leap from level three to a false understanding of level five. He had to back me up to level three to get me on the right path and help me begin to understand I was not the “center of the world”. Once He had my attention, He began to show me the joy in experiencing unconditional love, His unconditional love. After receiving it from Him, it was possible for me to “give” it to others around me.
The greatest gift I have ever received was sensing level five love from my Lord: the closeness, the intimacy of His always being with me. As He opened my eyes to allow me to have “an appreciation of the beauty within” (as Plato said), I have discovered what intimacy with my wife, Lin, really is. Her “ways” that annoyed the selfish me are now endearing to me. As if God has said to me, “Look at the wonderful way I made her different than you,” I find joy in understanding her deeply and watching her, His creation, and our differences become “one flesh;” a unit He can use for His glory. That brings me to the idea of moving from Level 4 to Level 5, the marriage relationship.
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