The Path of the Marriage Relationship

“For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part”.

These are words we hear at most weddings; starry-eyed young people, deeply in love, pledging themselves to one another stepping onto the path of marriage. Setting in the audience we get teary eyes thinking about our own special day. How beautiful the bride and bridesmaids were and how dashing the groom and groomsmen looked. The wonderful service in God’s presence and then the reception after went just like we planned.

Look at the words in the vow again. To live through each phrase in that statement we so freely say will be impossible without unconditional love. Have you ever really thought about those words, especially the downside; worse, poorer, sickness? I think it is by God’s grace these two starting a life together don’t really know the depth of the definition of those words. They cannot even imagine the “valleys” that lay ahead on their journey. The path choices they will be challenged to make. Of course, there will be “mountain tops”. The wonderful days together planning a life, preparing for, and raising kids, vacations, etc. However, it is in the “valleys” that truly deep relationships are born. It is there that the commitments made in the presence of God, family, and friends that life’s path choices are tested. It is there we need unconditional love.

I once asked a bride-to-be, “Would you still be happy with your man if you were always poor and struggling for money?” Her answer to me was, “I would rather be poor with him than rich with anyone else.” A statement made with the “emotion” of love, but the pursuing struggles of life will take unwavering commitment and a faith that God will see us through. We will decide one path choice at a time. The question always is what voice will we listen to?

I read a book called “Sacred Marriage” by Gary Thomas. I highly recommend the book. The take-away I got from this book is the main purpose of marriage is not your pleasure, but the transformation of two people becoming one, two halves becoming one whole, for work in the Kingdom and the Glory of God. Obviously, this is not something Satan wants to happen. The temptations to take the wrong path will be there.

“Sacred Marriage” asked a question that has totally changed the way I see conflict, with my wife or others. The statement was, “Is the issue more important than the relationship”? That is a sobering question. Is having “my way” more important than my wife? Is it ok to allow her opinion to take precedence over mine? Can I see past my opinion to our future path or is my opinion “blinding” me?

Certainly, there are issues that are more important than the relationship. Issues that have to do with Biblical truth, like not deceiving a customer when the boss tells you to or not cheating someone because your friend wants you to, are issues that we must stand firm on. The definition of sin in James is, “Knowing the right thing to do and not doing it is sin”. Sin is the defining line for me. Not sinning is more important than the relationship.

However, what if “knowing the right thing to do” is putting the relationship first? If the path we choose is to push our selfish ways and hurt the relationship, does that become sin? I have come to really like this “measuring stick”. My relationships are much better because the people matter more than the issues.

I had a boss that used to say to me, “I would rather be happy than right”. That is another way to see this question. Are you happy when you push your own way but create stress in a relationship? Aren’t we called to be peace makers? Scripture says, “As much as you can effect, be at peace with everyone”. Maybe we just need to get our selfishness out of the way and enjoy our relationships. The concept has been amazing for me personally. 

The next time you have a disagreement with your spouse, and it does not violate a Biblical principle, let their way prevail. See if the path of peace in the relationship is not better than being “right”. Are you committed to this person as you promised before God and family? Is the relationship more important than the issue?

Have you ever wondered what God meant when He said, “And the two will become one”? Obviously, married people are still two physically separate individuals. And yet He said, “What God has joined together let no man separate.” God’s principle of the path of marriage. Two people functioning as one “unit”. The building block for family. The foundation of a civilization. 

In the last few years, people we are close to have lost a mate. They were married 30 years or more. I remember when my father died and how it devastated my mother. When this happens, I have recognized these people really feel like part of them is gone. The two had become one and now half of the “one” is gone.

Pondering this took me back to Genesis and the creation story. God had finished the process of creating the world and was happy with His work except for one thing. At that point He said, “It is not good for man to be alone.”  Then He created woman and said, “The two will become one.”

This was the Garden of Eden. This was paradise. This was a place we can only imagine…the world before the fall. And yet to make it perfect the “two” had to become “one.” I find that thought intriguing. I wonder if we even begin to understand the significance of that thought.

Other than the obvious physical differences between man and woman, there are other differences like provider/ protector versus nurturer/ comforter. I have come to see a good marriage as two individuals with different strengths coming together to form a unit. It is like God takes two incomplete “halves” to make one completed “whole.” The two together (as one) are better equipped to do God’s work than they ever could be separately. There is a synergy that makes 1 + 1 = 3 or 4; much greater than 2.

We probably have little disagreement with the theory, but how does that function day-to-day? Eve was created as a “helpmate suitable.” The word used is “ezer.” An ezer is not a servant or lesser part of the whole. The Bible Knowledge Commentary says, “God decided to make a helper suitable for the man. Helper is not a demeaning term; it is often used in Scripture to describe God Almighty. They both had the same nature. But what man lacked she supplied and what she lacked he supplied. The culmination was one flesh – the complete unity of man and woman in marriage.”

In battle, an ezer is the person standing directly behind you; you are back-to-back protecting each other. It is someone that is a teammate in the “battles” of life. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, “Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls, one can help the other up.”

There is an old saying, opposites attract. I have found that true in my own marriage. We have many differences. The differences in the “opposite” fill in the gaps of the other. Maybe that’s why God made opposites attracted to each other. However, if we do not recognize the differences our mate brings to the marriage as strengths, the differences can soon become irritations. This is where we decide the path we will follow. The two will become a single functioning unit as God designed or their paths will be separate and not as effective. Satan can use those irritations to try to separate the “one” back into “two;” two weaker halves unable to be as effective for the Kingdom as they could be when united.

When I choose the right path, God’s narrow path, I allow my wife’s strengths and gifts to fill in the weak spots in me and she does the same, the two of us become “one”; one tool in God’s hand to touch our family and the world around us for His Kingdom. Such teams are the ones Satan wants to tear apart. He presents a path that is initially very tempting, to have things my way. I believe Satan’s greatest desire is to weaken or destroy “What God has joined together,” to make us weaker teams than God wants us to be. My prayer is that as God’s people we can recognize the right path and not allow our differences to become irritations that the Deceiver can use to manipulate us.

Imagine the Body of Christ full of couples on God’s path and they have “become one;” couples living in harmony in this chaotic world; couples that are loving and serving each other, their family, and the world around them; couples that together are the “salt” and “light” Jesus talked about in the Sermon on the Mount. Imagine the effect it would have on our families, neighbors, and the people we work with. We could be the strongest reflection of God’s love some people have ever seen. Imagine a world where the “twos” have become “ones” and God gets the glory. 

Let me tell you about the real differences in our marriage. We probably all remember the children’s story of the Tortoise and the Hare. A cute story with a surprising ending. Have you ever thought about how different the two are? Could they ever become best friends? Can any two beings so completely different and enjoy a relationship? 

My wonderful wife and life partner of over 50 years calls herself a “turtle”. She is most comfortable with life lived at a steady, slower pace. God made her that way. She has an amazing ability to connect with people, even strangers. Because she is not always in a hurry, running from one thing to another, she has the sensitivity and the time to connect with people in need as God brings them across her path.

On the other hand, I live life at full speed. She calls me the “Energizer Bunny”. I am a list maker, and the list drives me from one task to the next. I am redoing my “to do” list continuously throughout the day to ensure everything I want to accomplish is completed in the proper priority. If I am ever in a situation without my planner, I am concerned I will miss doing something important. When life situations slow me down it is hard for me to sit still.

It has been interesting learning to work in harmony with these two extremely different personal styles. To add to the relational mix, we are both “first-borns”. If you are first-born, or know someone who is, you know first-borns are always trying to be “in charge”. Because of their birth order, they grew up “in charge” when it came to their siblings. The pattern carries on into their adult life. Add to those differences the differences between men and women, the fact I was raised in a small village, and she was raised in a city, I like Country Music, she likes Classical, I like drinking from paper cups, and she likes things to be more elegant, I am an early morning person, and she is a late-night person. The differences go on and on.

I have heard it said, “opposites attract but later opposites attack”. We certainly have had our differences in the last 5+ decades, but I believe God has used those differences to first draw us closer to Him and then closer to each other (iron sharpens iron). I have told people the things about her that previously irritated me are now endearing to me. I find myself watching her and her “ways” and I break into a smile. She is my best friend and I love her and the differences.

I believe only our God could have led us to the harmony we feel together. In our human selfishness we can only see “our way”. However, with the help of the Holy Spirit we can get a glimpse of what God sees; His child the way He created her (or him). We can enjoy the differences, reveal in His creation, and find the blessing in a mate that is not a “cookie-cutter” copy of us.

I have shared before the question God taught me from the book Sacred Marriage. The question…is the situation that is bothering you more important than the relationship with that person? I have found that 99+% of the time it is not; the relationship is more important than the situation. When I know that, it removes the “need to be right” and replaces it with the “wonder of her differences”. It turns arguments and harsh words into harmony and blessings.

I thank God for bringing my “Turtle” into my life. She is a blessing to me. She is a blessing to our kids and grandkids. She is a blessing to our friends. I thank the Lord for giving me “eyes” to see the beauty of His creation, my Turtle. My prayer is we can continue to make the right path choices together with our Lord’s help and get to the finish line in harmony.