Steven Curtis Chapman has a song that speaks of true marital intimacy to me.
I Will Be Here by Steven Curtis Chapman
Tomorrow morning if you wake up,
And the sun does not appear
I, I will be here
If in the dark we lose sight of love,
Hold my hand, and have no fear
Cause I, I will be here
I will be here when you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind,
I will listen and
I will be here when the laughter turns to cryin’
Through the winning, losing and tryin’
We’ll be together ’cause I will be here
Tomorrow morning if you wake up,
And the future is unclear
I, I will be here
As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years
So, I, I will be here
I will be here and you can cry on my shoulder,
When the mirror tells us we’re older,
I will hold you and
I will be here to watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here
I will be true to the promise I have made to you
and to the One who gave you to me
I, I will be here
And just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
So, I, I will be here and we’ll be together
I will be here
I absolutely love that song. “I will be here” doesn’t mean just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. I want to “know and be known” by you deeply. I want to know what matters to you and how I can best help you be all that God has made you to be. That is the core of a good marriage.
One verse speaks deeply to me about allowing your spouse to be themselves.
I will be here when you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind,
I will listen and
I will be here when the laughter turns to cryin’
Through the winning, losing and tryin’
We’ll be together ’cause I will be here
Especially “When you need to speak your mind, I will listen”. You are willing to let them speak without defending yourself or stating your opinion and allowing them to share what is on their heart without interruption. You are willing to listen. True listening is a thing most people struggle with. We are typically thinking of our reply while the other person is still talking. We need to learn to listen with an open mind. You might not agree but letting them share their heart is a key to them knowing you really care about their thoughts and struggles. They just need us to “be here”.
I don’t believe most couples go into marriage recognizing they are entering into a covenant relationship with God to reflect His plan for the building of families and ultimately the society. It seems to me most people believe marriage is an arrangement for their pleasure and happiness. Pleasure and happiness come and go, but marriage is a forever commitment, good days and bad.
Think of the vows most people say in their wedding ceremony-
I take you to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, In sickness and in health, until death does us part.
Do they even think about what “worse”, “poorer”, and “sickness” mean? Do they mean it? I believe they are only thinking about the positives, as they should be, on their special day. However, if they are not committed to understanding the needs of the other person through all the valleys in life, the ceremony will struggle to produce a lasting relationship.
Jesus taught about marriage in Matthew 19:4-6-
4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? 6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
They become one flesh. representing total sharing of life, body, and purpose. Marriage is a binding promise made between a man, a woman, and God. The “cord of three strains” Solomon wrote about in Ecclesiastes. To become one flesh we must deeply know our spouse. We must understand what is important to them even if it feels trivial to us. If we are one flesh, we are two halves put together by God to be one whole unit for His purpose on this earth. You have certain strengths and abilities and your spouse has different strengths and abilities. Together you can accomplish things that neither could do alone.
We say we love our spouse, but at what level? We might also say we love sunsets or we love ice cream. What does love mean to us? I believe the biggest reason for relationship problems is the definition of “love”. There are three Greek words, philia, aggapa, eros, compared to our one-word love. Years ago I realized there are actually five stages to our relationships with other people.
- We are unaware they even exist
- We see someone, like a store greeter, and know they exist
- Some people we know become our friends (philia- brotherly love)
- A few become very close to us and are in our inner circle (aggapa- unconditional love)
- Only God, our spouse and a few others can reach intimacy (eros- to be deeply known)
In our relationships with others some become friends (philia). We enjoy spending time with them and we share common interests. As the relationships progress, a few get to the place where no matter what they do the relationship is more important than any issues that arise and we reach unconditional love (aggapa). Only a special few reach the intimacy level of being known deeply. These levels are a progression of drawing closer to another person. Trust must be built over time in order to move to a deeper level.
If a man and a woman become part of the same group of people and then become friends (philia) and are drawn to each other without coming to the level of unconditional love (aggapa) and mistake the physical or emotional attachment for a reason to marry, their relationship will struggle because they are in it to please themselves, not because they love the other person unconditionally. Being self-focused cannot reach the level of one flesh, one unit God can use to touch this confused world for His glory and will probably fail in the end.
If you are married and realize you have not reached the level of unconditional love of your spouse, think about this question I read in a book tilted Sacred Marriage. The theme of the book is becoming one flesh. The question is “Is the issue more important than the relationship?” Some issues are foundational and more important like believing a relationship with Jesus is the only way to heaven. However, almost all issues are a matter of preference. How you as a couple handle your finances can be an issue. You need to have a discussion, not an argument, and come to an agreed-on plan for your finances. Unconditional love means finding mutual answers to life’s questions. Letting God lead your “one flesh” to His answers.
